When your fiancée agrees with everyone else in your life that you might tend towards addictive behavior, you are likely not the right person to be putting together a blog post of your gambling exploits. It’s simply self-destructive behavior, one that puts your financial future and the trust others place in you in precarious positions. With sports betting legalized in Louisiana, I’m dipping a toe in, managed in part with her, with the knowledge that I could lose everything I hold dear in this life.
But I can also WIN BIG, BABY!!!!!!!!! I’ll be tracking the stocks that rise and fall from the $100 she allowed me to gamble. She even said that I can roll over what’s left into next year and that, if I’m good, maybe I can pick out a coloring book at the store. Below are the five bets I made, my TAYLOR REINHART GRADE AAA CERTIFIED TITANIUM LOCKS that will win you a car with spinny wheels or break up the most fulfilling relationship of your life. Blame it on the titanium, no refunds granted.
Eagles (-4.5) @ Lions – $5
I didn’t watch Hard Knocks, so I don’t have to pretend that the Lions have anywhere near the horses that it will take to rein in Jalen Hurts’s contribution to the fantastic Eagles running attack. Aidan Hutchinson has the makings of a star, and I do not doubt in the slightest that he has a play or two that makes me sit up straight (or think “wow” in my head as I stare blankly forward in a state of RedZone despair). Philadelphia is a team built to run the football, with Landon Dickerson, Jason Kelce, and Isaac Seumalo all a massive challenge for a Lions defensive line that features mostly journeymen. After playing the Lions in week 8 of 2021 and rushing for 236 yards, the Eagles found their own physicality and put up over 200 rushing yards 4 more times in half a season. There is nothing scary about the Lions defense. Dan Campbell using the hilarious beating of last year as some kind of bulletin board material this week is appropriately damning. Slam the over.
Patriots @ Dolphins (-2.5) – $5
I love to bet on a game I am at. I have a power I don’t have at my TV, as I could start streaking at a key momentum juncture to give our defense a chance to catch their breath or yell the perfect insult to crumble McCorkle Jones’ sense of self. I am part of the equation, and Belichick should plan accordingly. In New England, nothing sped up this offseason. A new offensive system was proposed, implemented, and reportedly scrapped. Belichick played center in walkthroughs. DeVante Parker arrived to raise the Average Games Missed stat and help Mac improve his accuracy by providing zero separation, and every good contributor aged another year. Meanwhile, the Dolphins added track speed (some of the literal fastest people to ever play the game, in fact) and veteran talent up and down the roster. Miami will probably win this by a field goal because they hate me specifically, but that will be CASH MONEY on this TITANIUM BET.
Jaguars (+4) @ Commanders – $5
Never good when the Congressional testimony from your employee on work culture is less of a beatdown than the Sunday game, but that’s what comes for the Commanders. Virtually every piece of injury news is bad, Carson Wentz is typically uninspiring, and I spent an offseason hearing less optimism about a team two years removed from the playoffs than I did from the Jacksonville Jaguars, proudly the worst team in football. This is my upset pick of the week, as Trevor Lawrence with a real coach is an entirely unknown quantity. The little bit of added strength in the trenches and competent playcalling will likely be enough to help this supposed-generational talent get everyone talking in Week 1. It will be a victory lap for Florida, I’ll try to celebrate with them if my plane gets grounded in Jacksonville and I have to blend in with the locals to avoid being strangled by a python.
49ers (-6.5) @ Bears – $5
The Bears suck, and they keep getting worse. I love playing Franchise Mode in Madden with a shit team and remake them with computer draft picks that are named something like “Annihilator Jefferson” or “Bygone McGee” or “Tim Random,” the latter of which proving to be the greatest left guard in NFL history. Ryan Poles must like doing this as well, because he has shipped everything of value out of the building in favor of young guys who seem to have a hidden development trait in the game. That there is no one named “Wolverine Jackson” (icon) to draft at MLB 1st overall and anchor your team for 20 years has not occurred to the new age GM. This team stinks, and Justin Fields will start against the team rumored to take him, with Trey Lance starting as the guy they actually did take. It’s a nightmare for a side piece: you enter a function with a person who dumped you to find them with their new amorous connection, and suddenly realize they’re now stable, solid, deeply in love. You look back to see that your date is arguing with a staff member at the restaurant because they tried to fill their previously-purchased empty Subway cup with Pepsi Zero from the serving station. Fields, as we can all likely relate to, will have to fake it until the situation mercifully ends in either awkward waves goodbye or the sweet embrace of death. Good luck to that man. Niners winning by 7 is easy money.
Broncos (-5.5) @ Seahawks – $5
“Broncos Country, Let’s Ride” is the meme of the summer, but we should never forget that Russell Wilson marketed a water to serve as a protective factor against concussions. Whether it was a cynical ploy or whether the man is that dim is for a higher power to judge, but we do know that the guy will be locked in for Week 1. I cannot think of a current QB more determined and able to eviscerate a former team than Russ. He has two excellent running backs, receivers nearly as talented as his old ones, a much more modern coaching staff, and a defense that is as good as his supporting cast has been since he played with Kam Chancellor. The Seahawks have…moxie? Grit? It’s unclear what Pete Carroll believes he has and why an absentee owner looking to sell the team believes that the value goes up with sexy septuagenarian at the helm over one of the most recognizable faces in the sport, Ciara’s husband. Russell and the Broncos have also been picked by some to finish last in the gauntlet of a division, so they’ll be motivated by offseason hype. A new coaching staff seeks to prove they aren’t typical NFL nepotism babies, so they’ll want a statement. When every cylinder of a team wants to put a stamp on a game and the schedule makers ensure that game happens Week 1? You bet the over, like me, and profit, like me, and take comfort in the fact that you didn’t *lie* to your future wife, you simply compromised.
Total Winnings: $0
Staked Money: $25
Budget: $100
